Twilight: Eclipse
Reviewed James Cheetham
Well, Twilight fever has over taken once again and we have had another offering in the franchise thrust upon us whether we like it or not.
After seeing a midnight showing of Eclipse (FML) I was compelled to write a review. This review hasn't been written for any website just for my own amusement so it is heavily biased, unfair and harsh. But that's the way I like it. It's my blog. So I don't care.
Eclipse Review:
There is a question hovering over the world population’s lips, and that question is; can it really get any worse than New Moon?
Well, the answer is a mixed bag. Yes and No.
Yes, Eclipse is still another awful excuse for a film, with a loose collection of ideas huddled together like festering penguins, tightly packed and concealed behind what seems to have become the worlds most famous six-pack and the worlds most famous shovel faced man.
No, as it does manage to cut down on the phenomenal amounts of cheese that New Moon appeared to broadcast proudly, and after every half an hour or so of pointless boring adolescent nattering, there is a five minute action sequence. One can only assume these action moments are placed there in an effort to wake up the rest of the viewers in the screening who aren’t fourteen year old girls.
But overall, despite these added moments of action, the fact of whether it is slightly worse or slightly better than New Moon becomes pointless as Eclipse devolves into equal levels of shallowness like its predecessor. David Slade, you disappoint me.
One of the biggest draws of this franchise seems to have become the cast, with the three central characters appearing to be the new Holy Trinity of our generation. Jesus, move over, we have Robert Pattinson. (Or shovel face boy as I tenderly like to refer to him.) Despite our generation’s obsession with these three young actors, their performances in Eclipse seem to have evolved acting into a two hour long gurning session, their expressions warping from mangled looks of confusion, constipation and curiosity. One can only assume the studio is keeping them stocked up on an endless amount of drugs so that none of them actually realize what film they are starring in.
In fairness though, Robert Pattinson isn’t as awful as the other two, but on the other side of Eclipse’s love triangle spectrum, Taylor Lautner holds about as much charm and charisma as one of Nick Griffin’s used condoms.
All in all, the chemistry between the actors is just as laughable as the scene where the wolf pack boys come bounding out of a forest cabin topless. Basically, in the space of five seconds they nearly manage to out-gay the entire running time of 300. It is an impressive feat that can not be overlooked.
By the time the credits hit, you realize that what you have witnessed was utterly pointless. The two love birds end up in the same place as they were at the beginning of the film, with no real character development having taken place, other than Bella evolving into even more of a cock tease than before.
I am assuming the final two instalments will make more of an effort to ramp up the excitement, what with Bella getting married and pregnant, meaning some actual plot will crop up. I’m just waiting for that vampire pregnancy sequence, in which I hope to see some sort of homage to Alien. Exploding stomachs will draw in an audience, even more so that Lautner’s six pack, or better yet, have a sequence that involves his six-pack exploding, therefore catering to both worlds.
One gleaming fact in a puddle of negativety and moody man syndrome that makes up this blog entry is that the soundtrack to Eclipse is actually rather impressive. They have managed to gather a great handful of singers and bands together such as Bat for Lashes, Florence + the Machine, Sia, Band of Horses, etc. Each song fits perfectly with the scenes, the standout being Sia's magnificent My Love which is played over the (nearly) sex scene and the official proposal.
Overall, I think Eclipse and New Moon could have easily been packed into one film. When you review the narratives of the first three Twilight films, you realize that nothing truly monumental has taken place other than their first meeting in Twilight. The hard fact is that it has taken them roughly 5/6 hours to tell this story between the three films and we really haven’t seen enough story to warrant this fact. Of course this point is fairly useless as this franchise is a book adaptation and any massive editting of the books would be met with fang bearing Twi-fans.
I can only hope the last two entries (the final book broken into two films) make some sort of attempt to wrangle a cohesive plot out of the vapidly shallow books by Stephanie Meyer. So all I can conclude is that if you haven’t enjoyed the first two instalments of the Twilight franchise, you will not suddenly change your opinion with the release of Eclipse and I can only assume the last two will not change your mind either. The only happy parting comment I can think to leave you is that at least we now have another year before another Twilight film erodes cinema just that little bit more. Hallelujah and Amen.
1½ /5
After seeing a midnight showing of Eclipse (FML) I was compelled to write a review. This review hasn't been written for any website just for my own amusement so it is heavily biased, unfair and harsh. But that's the way I like it. It's my blog. So I don't care.
Eclipse Review:
There is a question hovering over the world population’s lips, and that question is; can it really get any worse than New Moon?
Well, the answer is a mixed bag. Yes and No.
Yes, Eclipse is still another awful excuse for a film, with a loose collection of ideas huddled together like festering penguins, tightly packed and concealed behind what seems to have become the worlds most famous six-pack and the worlds most famous shovel faced man.
No, as it does manage to cut down on the phenomenal amounts of cheese that New Moon appeared to broadcast proudly, and after every half an hour or so of pointless boring adolescent nattering, there is a five minute action sequence. One can only assume these action moments are placed there in an effort to wake up the rest of the viewers in the screening who aren’t fourteen year old girls.
But overall, despite these added moments of action, the fact of whether it is slightly worse or slightly better than New Moon becomes pointless as Eclipse devolves into equal levels of shallowness like its predecessor. David Slade, you disappoint me.
One of the biggest draws of this franchise seems to have become the cast, with the three central characters appearing to be the new Holy Trinity of our generation. Jesus, move over, we have Robert Pattinson. (Or shovel face boy as I tenderly like to refer to him.) Despite our generation’s obsession with these three young actors, their performances in Eclipse seem to have evolved acting into a two hour long gurning session, their expressions warping from mangled looks of confusion, constipation and curiosity. One can only assume the studio is keeping them stocked up on an endless amount of drugs so that none of them actually realize what film they are starring in.
In fairness though, Robert Pattinson isn’t as awful as the other two, but on the other side of Eclipse’s love triangle spectrum, Taylor Lautner holds about as much charm and charisma as one of Nick Griffin’s used condoms.
All in all, the chemistry between the actors is just as laughable as the scene where the wolf pack boys come bounding out of a forest cabin topless. Basically, in the space of five seconds they nearly manage to out-gay the entire running time of 300. It is an impressive feat that can not be overlooked.
By the time the credits hit, you realize that what you have witnessed was utterly pointless. The two love birds end up in the same place as they were at the beginning of the film, with no real character development having taken place, other than Bella evolving into even more of a cock tease than before.
I am assuming the final two instalments will make more of an effort to ramp up the excitement, what with Bella getting married and pregnant, meaning some actual plot will crop up. I’m just waiting for that vampire pregnancy sequence, in which I hope to see some sort of homage to Alien. Exploding stomachs will draw in an audience, even more so that Lautner’s six pack, or better yet, have a sequence that involves his six-pack exploding, therefore catering to both worlds.
One gleaming fact in a puddle of negativety and moody man syndrome that makes up this blog entry is that the soundtrack to Eclipse is actually rather impressive. They have managed to gather a great handful of singers and bands together such as Bat for Lashes, Florence + the Machine, Sia, Band of Horses, etc. Each song fits perfectly with the scenes, the standout being Sia's magnificent My Love which is played over the (nearly) sex scene and the official proposal.
Overall, I think Eclipse and New Moon could have easily been packed into one film. When you review the narratives of the first three Twilight films, you realize that nothing truly monumental has taken place other than their first meeting in Twilight. The hard fact is that it has taken them roughly 5/6 hours to tell this story between the three films and we really haven’t seen enough story to warrant this fact. Of course this point is fairly useless as this franchise is a book adaptation and any massive editting of the books would be met with fang bearing Twi-fans.
I can only hope the last two entries (the final book broken into two films) make some sort of attempt to wrangle a cohesive plot out of the vapidly shallow books by Stephanie Meyer. So all I can conclude is that if you haven’t enjoyed the first two instalments of the Twilight franchise, you will not suddenly change your opinion with the release of Eclipse and I can only assume the last two will not change your mind either. The only happy parting comment I can think to leave you is that at least we now have another year before another Twilight film erodes cinema just that little bit more. Hallelujah and Amen.
1½ /5
